Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Answer of my Eyes

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Author’s Note: This particular post goes out to the family, friends and acquaintances of Mr Dominique Sarron Lee, a 21 year old NS man who unfortunately left this world on Tuesday, the 17th of April 2012. We are related in a very complicated way.

There was a friend of my father who was involved in a tragic accident overseas. She slipped in the bathroom and struck her head on something solid. I didn’t know if it was an immediate death, but all I know was that she was discovered by her boyfriend.

Every time I visit the ashes of my maternal grandparents, my father would bring me to the basement below to pay respects to her. It was an unfortunate death and it was hard on her boyfriend.

Now, her boyfriend, who is now married, had two sons- and one of them was Dominique. I don’t think his father can handle any more loved ones taken away from him again.

My deepest condolences to all of you who knew Dominique.

This is a oneshot based on Teito and Mikage of 07-Ghost, two best friends who were cruelly separated by Death. 

The Answer of My Eyes

The snow was cold and bitter, repelling all the warmth the sun tried to give. Before long, the clouds drifted over, blocking the majestic star. Teito watched it, his frown deepening, and those green emerald eyes of his became haunted with dark shadows. He stood in the midst of the snowy grounds of the church, his ears ringing with the voice of his friend.

“Oi, Teito! Don’t be such a grump!”

“Teito! If you want to grow taller, you have to eat proper food!”

Teito’s eyes moistened as his mind started to play the illusions of Mikage’s presence, the times when they had fun, shared the laughter and the joy. Now that Mikage was gone, there was no one else to share jokes, no one else to nag at him, no one else to tease him…he had no other friends.

Biting his lips, Teito struggled to keep the tears from falling. He slammed his fists into the snow, the shivery feeling tingling up his spine felt numbing and almost relieving at the same time.

“Why? Mikage…”

A boy walks forward, step by step. He is in a void of white. Images flash before him, a face he knew so well, the green eyes that stare back at him all the time. He watches, his wings outstretched. “In this chaotic destiny, you may not able to see the certainty right in front of you.”

The warm tears spilled with the pain of Mikage’s sudden departure tearing sharply at his heart. Mikage had been there for him the day before, his life essence still within him, still burning within him was his life. But it had been snatched away by Death just yesterday.

They had travelled so far just to be reunited at this holy sanctuary. Teito had escaped from the military and Mikage had helped him. He paid the price and was heavily tortured in place of Teito. Since then, the brunette boy had been guilt-ridden, sleeping with nightmares and the endless worry of Mikage’s well-being.

It was so ironic, really. The fate that brought them together was the same fate that separated them.

They had overcome obstacles. Fought a difficult evil. Travelled their thorny path together. And yet…

Mikage walks further down, as the path to the Light becomes more prominent. A voice booms from everywhere as Mikage turns his head quickly and warily. “What is your final wish?”
The blonde pauses. “My final wish…?”

Songs of love and grief flooded the church and synchronised voices told the story of tears that knew of love that were so limited in a world of war and destruction. How the Wings of Flowers made everything peaceful again as he ascended to Heaven, paving the way for a flourishing future. Teito listened with his heart, and suddenly, he heard his voice again.

Teito. If my final wish is granted, I’ll send you a ray of light.

Teito’s eyes widened. “Mikage?”

He felt an embrace, a brief one, but one filled with much love and friendship.

The small light is so far, I can’t see it. If I wish enough just to see it, I have a feeling I’ll lose something. But the heart that shatters the most painful and the deepest darkness lies right here. 

Now with the flowing hymn, warm tears, but this time filled with joy, trickle down Teito’s cheeks and try to live as long as they can. Because there’s nothing to be sad about, nothing to be confused about.

His eyes transformed to scarlet, the answer to his grief. The answer to his life.

Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.

And Teito embraces this answer of his eyes and keeps walking towards an uncertain future, but a future where Mikage is his guardian angel. 

Inspired by Hitomi no Kotae by Noria.
The bolded quote was by an anonymous person.

((Sorry if it’s very bad or too short D’:))

Missing You

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Author’s Note: On Sunday morning, 5.30am, Moodoo+, plus Dana and Sarah Chan, said farewell to a dear friend. It was a tearful and heart-aching goodbye to our best friend, Leanne. I’m about to cry, anyway.

This post was done on Monday 16th of April 2012.

Missing You

Australia’s time is two hours different from Singapore’s. It’s not that big of a deal, but the fact that Leanne is in a timezone that is completely different from ours, and in another country millions of kilometers away, made Moodoo’s heart feel empty and blank. If I were to personify Leanne, I’d say Moodoo’s Emotions has vanished totally. It pains me to say this but there’s no denying it now.

Moodoo is now incomplete. 

If we were to arrange ourselves according to index numbers, we would be in this order: Aira, Chan Qing, Nadine, me, Leanne and Denise.

Moodoo has now become Mood-O.

The original Moodoo had only six people, so with an addition of Bernice, we became Moodoo+. And now that Leanne is gone, Moodoo+ has become Mood-o+.

Yesterday’s moments cried a melancholy tune. We took two polaroids, both which were given to Leanne in a special photo album we gave her as a farewell gift. Aira and Bernice tackled her legs before she could go through the glass entrance that was the Departure Hall. All of us were grabbing limbs, chorusing, “Lenny, don’t go!”

Childish really, because it is inevitable. 

When we finally allowed her to stand, she gave each of us a hug. We cried (except Aira and Denise at that moment); you could see the red torment etched onto our faces as the reality slowly sunk in: Leanne’s leaving, she’s not going to come back.

Tackled her with a teary group hug.
Her farewells to each of us.

“Goodbye, Aira.”
“Goodbye, Wing.”
“Goodbye, Nadine.”
“Goodbye, Denise.”
“Goodbye, Paean.”
“Goodbye, Bernice.”
“Goodbye, Sarah.”
“Goodbye, Karena.”
“Goodbye, Dana.”

Stepping into the Departure Hall.
We pressed our faces against the glass panels.
The officer looking at us like we were crazy.
Leanne waving goodbye.
We waving frantically….
….until….
…….her shadow disappeared beyond the walls.

Denise only cried later. Walking to Macdonalds at Terminal 2, she started tearing up and choking on her sobs. Aira dialed Leanne.

“Hello? Leanne? Denise is crying. Wanna talk to her?”

Denise took the phone, I could see her attempt to talk normally.

“Hello? Lenny? You suck.”

Today was an entirely different thing.

We walked to school in different modes of transport.

Entered school at different times.

Harbouring different thoughts.

But carrying within our hearts a missing jigsaw puzzle.

Missing that final piece that could complete us again.

Bernice could be the one tortured the most. She lived opposite Leanne before. It was very convenient; the both of them could walk to each other’s houses. But now…every time she uses the highway, she passes by that very flat that Leanne used to stay in. And because of that, she cries with the aching tug in her heart.

Nadine, the one missing Leanne’s texts.
“What did you guys do during your weekend?” Ms Frances had asked. She had initially pointed at Cher Ting, but Nadine spoke first.
“We went to send off a dear friend of ours at the airport early in the morning.” The stuff we did spilled. Bernice and I contributed…Ms Frances just nodding her head….but she could never really understand. You could see Bernice pressing her palms to her face, Nadine suddenly stilled and became ever so silent, and me, just staring off into blank space, as if it was a television set replaying our memories.

Sarah Chan, the one sitting next to Leanne in class. She couldn’t bear the thought of returning to school just to see an empty desk next to her. I couldn’t imagine how depressed she was feeling, and I don’t want to even give a try.

Wing, Aira and Denise. The playful, ‘smart-mouthed trio’, I don’t think they will be very hyper for a few weeks. Trying their best to comfort others, but aren’t they the ones who need comfort too? They are used to going next door and harass Leanne…but now….it’s impossible.

Dana. Together with Nadine, Leanne was their CCA mate. They were very close; I don’t know what they did together, but Dana and Nadine could tell you for sure – they enjoyed their time together a lot.

Karena. The forever mentally crazy, but awesome, singer. She always came over to our class back when we were all in 2C2 and she was in 2C3. We bonded this way, and she became one of us. Moodoo’s extended family. I heard Karena and Leanne sing before, if I wasn’t mistaken. Some English song, I think? Or was it just my imagination?

We spammed Leanne with text messages before she flew off and left Singapore officially. She must be quite miffed, since Nadine told us that she was always frustrated with overflowing messages as they lagged her phone. Leanne replied to the each of us, and I saved that SMS.

I will never ever delete it. That could be the last text Leanne would be sending me.

I refuse to let her go.
I won’t forget her.
I will hold on.

She is a balloon of helium with a string connecting to my palm. Leanne will stay within me and Moodoo.

We won’t let her go.
We will hold on like the croaking spiders we are. 

Because Leanne is one of us, and she will always will.

We love you, Lenny. :’)

私たちはあなたを愛し!(sorry if this is translated wrongly haha.)

Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together?  I guess that wouldn’t work.  Someone would leave.  Someone always leaves.  Then we would have to say good-bye.  I hate good-byes.  I know what I need.  I need more hellos.  ~Charles M. Schulz

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it’s one day further from the last time you saw each other, it’s one day closer to the next time you will.  ~Anonymous

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.  ~William Cowper

Purpose

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Author’s Note: I have been doing a lot of self-thinking since I stepped up and overtook the reigns of managing the Red Cross unit. I feel mostly muddled up and a bit…abandoned, I guess? I don’t know, as I said, I’m feeling very muddled.

Purpose

Everyone knows the definition of purpose- or at the least, the rough idea of ‘purpose’. Purpose, is the reason why you were created, why you were born, why you are even attending school or going through the torturous journey of life. Some people have already known their place here. Some people, who have grown up so much.
But there are others, who are filled with fear and uncertainty. People, who don’t know their reason for being here.

An example, would be me.

To most of my friends, I am one of the craziest person in the class, blur like a ‘sotong’ , a ‘troll’ and the ‘Queen of Spazz’ as Sheryl would love  to call me.

Honestly, I am just trying to fit in.

If you had asked my friends back in Primary 1 at Raffles, I was quiet, timid and always trying my best to stick with people I was more comfortable with. If I didn’t, I would be picked on by the others,which happened for the first few weeks.

I could name my friends: Star, Amy, Vivian and Victoria. I was always the odd one out- they were smart, they were leaders, they could be called perfect. When they had leadership training, I was alone, the pathetic girl sitting in an empty group of tables.

They got into the best class.
I didn’t.

They passed the first round of GEP.
I didn’t.

It was those years at Raffles when I really could cry to myself at night and admit that I was alone. And that was when I adopted a second personality- the crazy one that runs amok, laugh like mad and spout lame jokes.  I befriended other friends in my class, but it just had to be two opposite friends with different beliefs. Our friendship wasn’t constant, it always ended up into a fight, and then after a few days, we’d reconcile and everything would be okay again.

It was a pretty turbulent time.

I guess I wasn’t truly happy until I met my D.Gray Man group. Seriously, those ‘kids’ I were blessed with gave me a hilarious album of memories- me and Allen competing our grades and Karena the slug always literally sinking into her grey chair.

Now, it happened again. The meeting we had right after activity confirmed my worst nightmare. It felt like I was detached from my squadmates, because I chose to be the neutral party. I chose to become the in-between, another name for a person who does not have a sense of belonging.

The room was so awkward for me. I’m just taking down notes, and everyone is laughing, and when I laugh, everyone thinks I’m mad. I can’t feel the rhythm anymore. Is it because I’m not very involved in Red Cross activity? I do try, but sometimes my mum thinks it’s unimportant. Dad tries to help, but to no avail.

I’m doing the best I can, I hope. I can wish, but I don’t know if everyone thinks the same.

So I question my purpose. Is there something I was meant to do in this world? I am so afraid that my purpose will come too late- some people find their purpose when they are very old. 

I know people who will surely make a difference in the world when they grow up, especially Nadine and Bernice.

Nadine was saved by God more than once. I was so astounded by her story, that I keep asking myself: Is there truly a God in Heaven? Is there really a Heaven? I am asking questions with no answers. 

 Bernice is a strong believer, that faith she holds on to can never waver. She is so strong, that I admire her so much. 

Both of them will surely become leaders of tomorrow, in what, I don’t know. Maybe both of them will become our ‘salvation’ when the real Judgement Day arrives. Or maybe, they’ll be heroes that will save us from global disaster, like some Chosen Ones. 

I envy the two of them. I can’t even imagine how I’m going to survive in the future. How am I going to get work? Will I even wake up in time for work? Can I even spend wisely? What am I going to be in the future? Will I die early?

I am so scared of death- will it be painful? I am so scared of reality. That’s why I turn to writing. It dislodges me from this cruel world and tosses me into my own personal world of imagination. I daydream, I blur out, because I hate reality.

I have to deal with this all over again.

People saying goodbye.
People dying.
Friends leaving.
Friends dying.

When I question my thoughts, my thoughts start to question me.

I don’t know my purpose.

I don’t know why I am here.

I don’t even know why I was born.

———

Sorry this is so messy and short. It’s just that I need some thinking. I’m not strong enough. I’m not capable enough. I don’t feel prepared. I feel lost. 

 

Friendship Birthday

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Author’s Note: This personal post goes out to Leanne, my best friend and fellow Moodoo-er. She’ll be leaving for Australia and she won’t be coming back. So, let’s take this as a farewell gift for her. I hope you like it, Lenny. I’m sorry if it sucks at any part. Oh gosh.

This is a sequel to Hajimari no Hi. This will be from Selina’s point of view. This is in third person, because Leanne doesn’t like first person, haha. (: Only the  personal thoughts are in first person. Urgh, sorry, Leanne! I thought it’d be weird if the thoughts were in third person :/

~*~

Friendship Birthday

“Everything will be alright, just believe in me,” Selina told Imera. “I will protect you, just sleep.” The young girl gazed up with her tear-stained face. She sniffed, and then dried the fresh tears that threatened to pour down her cheeks. And then, she  murmured dreamily as she closed her eyes, “If I have you here with me, then your smile is all I need.” Selina’s eyes widened and smiled. She hugged her adopted sister as she slowly snuggled her to sleep. 

She had never been so looked up to, so depended on, in all her life.

She turned her head, to see Imera sleeping soundly on her shoulder, with a peaceful look on her face. Selina smiled as she remembered the day when the younger girl had been so fearful of her, yet she had put on a defiant front and faced her with such bravery. It seemed just yesterday, when they decided to leave the rotten town of Port, and had journeyed on to find another town that would take them in, like an adoptive parent.

They went from town to town, but they were always given the cold shoulder. They had settled down, but when authorities came to chase them out because they weren’t locals, they left. And then, when it was discovered the two of them were from Port, everyone was out to catch them. The news of their escape had spread like wildfire, it seemed.

Now they were on the run. The forest had become their second home. It was so ironic actually, Mother Earth who had brought them into this cruel world in the first place, had now become their shelter and comfort. Selina made camp in a clearing, where the grass was short and gentle, and where the towering trees protected them from being seen.

The warmth they were given was from the fire that was crackling in front of their huddled forms. Its light barely illuminated the place. Selina shifted her gaze from the fire to Imera again. The girl now had a small smile on her face. Just minutes ago, she was crying, because of her immense fear of the dark and of the thought of them being back at the alleys in Port again. Selina tilted her head upwards, and fixed her eyes on the stars above their heads.

“It’s tomorrow,” she said to herself, and laid her head on Imera’s.

They couldn’t stay at one place forever. They had to move to the next place. They kept walking to no specified destination, and ended up at the cliffs near a never ending lake of water that seemed to stretch out to the four corners of the Earth.

“Woah!” Imera gasped. “What is this? This much be the biggest lake in the world!”

Selina, who was taken aback herself, quickly gathered up the knowledge that she had read up from books she stole from shops long ago. “This isn’t a lake. It’s the ocean! It’s much bigger than what I thought!”

“The ocean?” Imera tilted her head to one side.

“Yeah.” Selina carefully made her way to the edge of the cliff they were standing on. “It is the largest body of water on Earth. It is very deep and it has lots of sea creatures in it.” A sudden gust of wind blew towards her, and Imera cried out, horrified. “Selina!”

Selina chuckled lightly, only staggering slightly. It was strong and it carried a scent of sea salt from the ocean. She beckoned Imera over, coaxing her. The girl was terrified; you could see it in her wide eyes. But with a broad smile, Selina whispered at her, “Everything will be alright, just believe in me. Remember? If I’m beside you, my smile is all you need.”

She had repeated the words Imera had said the night before. Imera took a deep breath, gulped down her fears, and inched her way forward to Selina’s outstretched hand. Together, they faced the wind that seemed to blow in from the horizon and into their faces. And slowly, they raised their hands and gave a shout of defiance and freedom.

You and I on that day on that place together, standing so high, reaching the sky. We felt the rushing wind of tomorrow. Didn’t you feel it? Our hands clasped each other tightly, our courage and love overflowing and vast like the ocean before us. That feeling you gave me, Imera, that song of our hearts, the rhythm, synchronising, harmonising, like a choral symphony. That melody, brought out my inner feelings, and rose me off my feet into the wide azure sky. At that moment, I felt like I could soar, with you, to the heavens. 

Selina, harbouring those thoughts, gave Imera another smile and laughed.

They made another camp on a smoother area of rocks. There wasn’t much shelter, but Selina doubted it would rain that night.

“But what if it does?” questioned Imera, who was starting up the fire, her hands clutching stones the size of her palm. Sighing, Selina took the stones from her, and rubbed them against each other, above the nest of twigs.

“Everything will be alright, just believe in me, Imera. After all, if you have me, my smile is all you need. Isn’t that what you said to me?” Selina could hear Imera grumble, “I will learn not to say anything so inspirational, if all my words end up becoming quotes that will be used against me.”

Dropping the stones, Selina tackled Imera and squeezed her into a hug, despite the younger girl’s desperate yells of protest. “Selina! Oh my gosh, SELINA! I need to- need–BREATHE- you- SUFFOCATING ME!”

Laughing, Selina let go, leaving a red-faced Imera glaring at her viciously. “If you dare to do that to me again, I swear I will-” she started to threaten before Selina waved it off dismissively. “Oh, lighten up, will you. It’s our friendship anniversary after all.”

That caught Imera’s attention. Her voice was filled with much surprise. “What?”

Selina didn’t say anything. She just walked over to the twigs, swiftly got the fire started. When she was a good distance away from the fire, she lied down on the ground, making sure there were no dangerous points and that it was reliably smooth.

She stared into the sky again, as she did before. The stars twinkled, surrounding a full wolf moon. She felt Imera’s presence beside her. Both of them were now lying down together, under the blanket of the stars.

“You know, Imera,” Selina began softly. “I wasn’t really an orphan to even begin with. I had a warm family. I was a rebellious kid, going around stealing things when I could have easily bought it. It got me into trouble all the time. Then, when I got a little more adventurous, I decided to get out and explore. There was something I wanted to find, something I had been missing from my heart. I’d search around town, scouring the little places no one would even spare a second thought to look at, and then when evening was cast, I’d return home.” She paused. A bit of happiness and longing had seeped into her voice unknowingly.

She could feel Imera’s interest in her past life story, as the little kid was trying to move closer to her. It encouraged Selina to continue. “One day, when I returned, I discovered my whole house was burnt down while I was away. A group of bandits had sneaked in, robbed and murdered my parents, and then set the house on fire to get rid of the evidence. I can still remember the roar of the fire and the shouts of the neighbours as they tried to put it out. But it was too late.”

Selina stood there, frozen to the ground as she saw the orange demon with a thousand tongues devour her home, and her parents who were still inside. “Mother! Father!” she screamed at once, when she found her voice back. She was tearing up- the door was on fire, the windows were on fire- oh god, not…no…The roof was caving in. All rescue attempts were futile at that point. Selina screamed herself hoarse. She screamed until she could scream no more. She screamed; and her screams rose to the breaking point. It rose higher into the heavens. And then, it showered.

She could feel her throat working up. That day was especially painful. She was taken away into the orphanage, but she left it in the middle of the night. Selina was more determined to find that something that she had been lacking for so long. She moved from town to town, never stopping. She went according to her heart, and she listened to it. And then finally, she stopped, at Port.

“I didn’t know why I was there,” she continued. “But my heart told me that the thing I was looking for was here in this very town. And then, I found you.” Selina’s and Imera’s eyes came into contact. “You possessed the very thing I had been looking for all this time. At first, I thought it was you, but now, as we went forward together since that day…”

I looked around the world and found the one and only precious treasure. Imera, my dear sister, it was you. That feisty nature you had in you, those eyes that reflected fearlessness, and the deep mutual bond we had together, by the heavens, it was you. No, it wasn’t really you. It was us. I finally learnt to believe in that special power we had, the one that we could only have that lasted forever. 

And then Selina felt herself being dragged into an embrace. “Thank you,” Imera said, “for sharing with me your story.”

Selina whispered back, “No problem. Happy Friendship Birthday, Imera.”

There was a faint ‘happy friendship birthday to you too’ before the two of them snuggled together, their arms wrung around each other, protecting each other. The words were carried forth by the wind and beyond the seas.

It was a miracle they found each other.

Two broken children, tormented by their own mishaps, came together and healed each other. The power they felt and shared, that bond that carried them over seas of hardship, was their undying friendship. This friendship is an elastic, super-glued bond. It cannot be torn by simple means, nor will it snap because of the long distances. The story of Imera and Selina ends here.
However, questions will still be brought up. When will they settle down? Where is their place of happiness? Only the heavens know, but we all know, it will end happily for the both of them. With Selina’s confidence and Imera’s spirit, there are no barriers the duo can’t break. After all, the so-called stormy nights they each endured had actually brought them together. 

And thus, this is the end of the story, that weaved the story of two girls of different backgrounds and personalities. 

~*~

Leanne: Sorry, this was so late. >< But, really, I have to thank you for everything. The times we shared and had together with Moodoo were beautiful memories. I hope that you will keep it, and when the time arrives, we will meet up again in the future, and laugh about all the silly moments and stunts we pulled off . Thank you, thank you, being one of my best friends and my fellow Moodoo-er. Don’t be so hard on your drawing skills. I can honestly tell you that your art is seriously amazing. Remember what you told me? “Keep practicing.”
I believe you can do it, Leanne, and don’t forget us. (: You probably have lots of friends back in Australia, but just reserve a little space in your heart for Moodoo. We will be waiting, and I hope you will too.

To whoever is in-charge of the universe or fate itself: Thank you for blessing me with such a lovely friend. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet her. Thank you for letting me befriend her. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for everything. Thank you for Leanne.

((Don’t take this the wrong way. ))
I love you, Leanne, as what a best friend would.
Moodoo will miss you.
:’D

Happy Friendship Birthday.