Monthly Archives: January 2012

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Lost Wolf

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Author’s Note: It’s really great to be back! Hope you’ve been following me on my Tumblr, because the stuff I saw in Japan are there! Oh yes, happy belated new year! So, this kind of makes it the 1st post of 2012…I’ll do my best!

((What am I doing here? I’m supposed to study!))

It has been three months since I last howled with my gang. I can clearly picture my memories, floating around like small pieces of dust, unnoticed by the people around me. The images pierce my heart sharply as I recalled the great times we had together.

I’m grateful to be in a class with friends I know and recognise, some who are friends of my friends. But when it comes to the afternoon assembly, I’ve never felt more lonely. Bernice  left early, and the rest are either far back or way in front, thanks to the stupid arrangement of sitting in index numbers.

I feel the blue of my emotions, where I can actually sense the gaping hole missing in my heart. I almost cry, but I hold it back, and hug my knees to my broken heart. The warm comfort does nothing but make me feel the emptiness even more evident. I tilt my head to the right, and saw my squadmates together, laughing and chatting happily, without a care in the world.

I stare at them for awhile, and then look away. I hear them calling me faintly, but I think it is my imagination. The calls are getting louder, so I turn. They wave at me, shooting me friendly smiles. I smile back, and faltered, when they went back to talking.

I search for Nadine. She is sitting in front with Isabelle Goh, exchanging fun conversations with their classmates. I am still alienating away from my own classmates. I stick to my own table, which has friends I actually know.

Still, it doesn’t seem to be much. Tears prickle and I ignore the world around me, that is getting noisier.

My heart feels so painful, yet nothing can stop it from hurting. Yet, I doubt if there really is a heart. And I doubt if anything can heal it now. When my Primary Six gang was gone, I had Moodoo. But now, without Moodoo, I had no one.

I am lonelier than anyone else. Such a dark world it is. Such a gloomy place. There are no stars or moons. It is only me, walking around in frantic circles. It keeps growing, that darkness, never stopping. Always endless. It grabs you when you are unaware or weak. I am both.

Then, it feels like I am floating in a black ocean, where I cannot see the bottom or reach it. It is vast and deep, trying to suffocate me. My chest has a heavy pressure on it and I gasp. My lungs feel compressed. It is killing me, the atmosphere of this dark world.

I remembered, during interaction in Red Cross, I told them school was fun. The homework was great. I wasn’t lying. I just haven’t had the experience of being abandoned. Now I wish I can take back my words, crush them, and toss it aside.

School is horrible. It tears you away from all your friends and makes you feel discarded. Homework is a burden, that pile of things that stops you from doing whatever you want.

 That is the true reality. I cannot hold on much longer. What you see: funny, weird, strange, is not me. I am: a coward, weak, pathetic and gullible.

I close my eyes, and dream of the day, where we can meet again, where we are in the same class and have fun our usual way. I’d be lying if I said I was the one who wanted to be reunited with Moodoo again. It is my heart that wants to, and tells me so.

I miss you, everyone.

Wing.

Aira.

Denise.

Lenny.

Nadine.

Karena.

Thamim.

Min Fay.

Nadya.

Nicolle.

I dream and wish and hope for the day we can see each other again. The day where we laugh and hug and chat. The day when we will play and troll and scream.

I want to be ‘me’ again.

I want to be Lavi again.

I want to be a part of Moodoo again.

The lost wolf howls a sad, haunting song that echoes throughout the forest from the cliff where it stood, throwing back its head. The song repeats the same verse over and over again.

Where are you? I cannot find you! Where are you?”

It travels far and wide. The wolf ‘s eyes look hopefully at the full moon, looming upon the valley. It forgets how long it has been staying there. It stays vigilant, ears open, for any reply. Weeks pass. It hunts, feed and drink, before returning to the post and howl out the same song.

Where are you? I cannot find you! Where are you?”

Months fly by. The exhausted wolf lay its head across it paws as it howls one final song. It is a more beautiful melody that sweeps past the mountains.

“All this while, I am alone. Lost. Where are you, my pack? Where can I find you?”

It is long and the wolf gasps for breath when it is done. It cries and drifts away.

And then, by some miracle, a reply soothes the sleeping wolf’s silently terrified and miserable heart. 

We are here! We are always here! By your side! We have found you!”

Unconsciously, the sleeping wolf smiles as a muzzle caresses him. 

And finally, the lost wolf is home. 

~*~

I just felt I had to write this. This was my exact feeling during the assembly today. If you had been as lonely as me, you would do the same. It remains the same, my heart, sad as always. Empty. Broken. Heavy. 

I am in no mood to go for debating for SS on Thursday, but I cannot not do it. The teacher expects everyone to do. I am a person without confidence, who cannot speak well or express herself properly. I am actually better in theory, but who cares?

I don’t know if the others feel the same– I don’t mind if they don’t– but I really want us to reunite. 

 

私はもう何者かわからない。